Jealousy

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As I think I’ve mentioned before, I love working with couples. I love the dynamics in loving relationships, and being a part of the healing that can take place in thoughtful communication. Most of my posts have a component of relationship dynamics in them, and I could probably write endlessly on the different dysfunctions I see.

Today I’m focused on jealousy in relationships. I find jealousy so polarizing because there are those who equate acts of jealousy with acts of love and those who abhor any hint of overprotective ways. I did a quick google search on the difference between jealousy and envy, and the consensus is that jealousy comes from a fear of being replaced or losing what you have (in this case your monogamous relationship).  I often find that within couples, the dynamics of jealousy are unbalanced. One person is always fighting the green eyed monster more than the other.

I have put feelings of jealousy into 2 categories:

  1. Internal Jealousy: This is the one that comes from the place deep inside you that does not feel good enough or deserving of the relationship you have. If you are resonating with this, think about what it is about you that feels unlovable. Do you feel unattractive? Mean? Unavailable? The upside of internal jealousy is you have control and the ability to work through these issues without allowing them to tear your relationship apart. Give yourself he gift of feeling good enough, and let go of the worry that someone else can replace you.
  1. External Jealousy: This one is a bit tougher. External jealousy comes from a partner who puts you in the situation of feeling jealous. Maybe she spends a lot of time outside of work texting a certain coworker and making sure you know about it. Maybe he talks constantly about the women at the gym who hit on him. If you have a partner who is doing this to you the first step is to stop taking the bait. I’m guessing it leads to a lot of fighting, and why? If your partner is dropping these hints, there is likely a reason. Maybe they are feeling ignored, and maybe they are looking for a way out of the relationship. Find a constructive way to explore why this continues to come up, and find a way to end the jealous cycle.

In either case, jealousy is the weed growing from an ugly root. Don’t let it be what fills your space!

Facebook and FOMO

            Ladies and gentlemen, there is a new diagnosis out there, but it isn’t in any of the books (yet). It is known as FOMO and it seems to be targeting a large number of young people. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: general sadness, anxiety, ruminating thoughts as to whether one’s life is interesting enough, and a misguided belief that other people are having more fun. Symptoms can be alleviated by ignoring social media.

            If you’ve ever been scrolling through Facebook and feeling not so great about the path your life has taken, you have experienced FOMO. If you noticed that two friends went to lunch and you didn’t get the invite, and your day was ruined, you have experienced FOMO. (The second one doesn’t seem to happen as much to the men out there does it?)

            FOMO is the fear of missing out, and while it is not a disease, it is becoming an epidemic. One which is more prominent in those whose primary source of contact with friends is via social media. Many of us are guilty of harboring jealousy for a friend whose life looks flawless. The keyword here is “looks.” The problem with using Facebook to gage a person’s happiness is that is can be so skewed or misleading. I am guilty of it too! It’s not like we all hurry to post a picture of that day we stayed in pajamas until 4pm, or rush to post a status update to remind people how monotonous our job has become. We all want to present our best selves, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

            However, I do become concerned when I notice an influx of clients who base their success or fulfillment on another person’s Facebook life. It is an easy trap to fall into. We are all aware that Facebook does not encompass every aspect of our own lives, but for some reason when we see it as a representation of another person, we don’t take that into account. We start comparing the quality of our relationships, the size of our birthday parties, the shape of our bodies, the success of our careers. The list is endless of the comparisons we make on a daily basis. Sometimes the comparisons can be a motivational factor.

            Some of you might be familiar with Maria Kang, a young mother who posted a picture of herself in a bikini with her young children, and the caption, “What’s your excuse?” She claims that photo was meant to motivate other young mothers, with the thought: If she can do it, so can I. The reactions she received were varied, and many were negative. Many women’s initial reaction was to think of the challenges in their own lives, and to assume Maria did not face those same challenges (genetics, full-time job, lack of support from spouse). Now I don’t claim to know what challenges she faces, but I do know that she did not post them on Facebook… until she received backlash. If we were to get caught up in that game with our own friends we would quickly learn that everyone’s lives come with hardships, and while one aspect might look appealing, it might not be worth trading for another.

            So my advice is this: The solution does not have to be drastic. I am not suggesting that we remove ourselves from social media altogether, or assume that everyone is being fake. But I do think that next time you are feeling the green-eyed monster start to creep in, take a minute to put things in perspective. Yes, I am upset she got a promotion and I haven’t, but I am working hard as well. Yes, their relationship looks great, but I’m sure they have fights too. Those quick little reminders will help you from snowballing, and will help you to remember that these are your friends, and their happiness is yours as well.